happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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