After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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