I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
