If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says βPrego.β I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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