he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize