I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize