Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
