Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
