1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
