yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
