I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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