You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
