can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just invented taco cereal.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
