margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
