lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
