Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He better not be in your backpack
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
