I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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