Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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