Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
