Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We need to rekindle our bromance
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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