Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
