Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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