Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
