Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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