gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
