Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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