Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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