Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
