i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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