based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize