Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
