I just made out with a guy for $7.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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