We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize