Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
