i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
