Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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