Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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