I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I could make wine with my vomit
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
