Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
