I must be too annoying 4 u.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize