Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
