so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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