Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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