I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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