I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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