So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
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