I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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