please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
