Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
