Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
