1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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