Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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