I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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