Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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