OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
