if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
