I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
