Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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